ANALyze This


[anal, anal sex, humor, sex ed, sexual instructions, parent/son, male/female sex, first time, teaching, erotica]

Anal Sex: The Final Frontier. “When done right it can be as pleasurable for me as for him; but if done wrong, you won’t get a second chance. You need to know how,” she began. ‘WHAT?’ a son thinks when his mom, at the breakfast table over a cup of coffee, explains in the most explicit language, graphic detail and intimate manner the proper way to perform anal sex with a woman. You will want to Analyze This!


      “Wow,” she voiced, stunned. “I don’t know if I should be upset, embarrassed, or what. So you really have no clue how to do anal?”
      Ashamed, I shook my head, No.
      “Of course not. I couldn’t expect your father to explain to you how things work. And what you read in those stories are almost always bullshit and porn is even worse. They make it look like it’s all so easy.” She took a drink of her coffee. Setting her cup down, she took a deep breath. My mother seemed to be gathering her thoughts. During her silence, I wondered what those thoughts could possibly be. What does a mother say after her son tells her he fucked-up while trying to have anal sex with his girlfriend? What does anyone say after that? I waited in suspense.
      “I’m gonna explain to you how you’re supposed to do anal properly.” Then, amazingly, she casually took a sip of her coffee. To her, explaining how to perform anal sex to her son while he was eating breakfast wasn’t off limits; nor, for her, would it be awkward.
      “Okay. First thing you need to know is that anal sex is not supposed to be painful. Where the fuck do you get that idea?” Putting her hand up and shaking her head, she continued, “No, don’t answer. If it’s done right it can be very enjoyable for both you and me.
      “What?” she asked, puzzled at my perplexed expression. I wondered, Did she just say, ‘you and me’ as in Us, as in ‘it can be very enjoyable for both’ of Us, her and me?
      “I’ve enjoyed anal many times,” she informed me, misreading my surprised expression…
      …“Alright, the next thing is position. The most comfortable position for me to start is on my back, sort of missionary. I’m serious,” she argued against my doubtful look.
      “Trust me, let me explain and it’ll make sense in the end,” She laughed hard at her unexpected double entendre. She paused to take another sip of her coffee. With an earnest ease she continued, “As I was saying, the best position is for me to on my back with my ass on the edge. It can be the edge of a bed, a table…” and she paused as if reminiscing. “Shoot, one time it was the edge of the top of a concrete landing to a stadium’s flight of stairs. What? Why are you shocked?”
      Why am I shocked? My mother just admitted, in complete nonchalance, to having done anal on a bed, a table and in public at a stadium. Why was I shocked?
      “Anyhow, to loosen up my backdoor you gotta work on her front door. Makes sense, right? You have to get me sexually stimulated and what’s the best way? Exactly. I hope you enjoy giving oral sex. Shit, you better anyway!” my mother warned her son; and I wondered if I had joined Dorothy in the land of Oz.
      “Alright, for shits n’ giggles, let’s say I’m on the edge of my bed upstairs. You will be kneeling on the floor between my legs and you’re going to go down on her, okay? I’m not going to say you must do this or that; just use your tongue, mouth and one hand to really get her going. Make her beg; make her squirm; make me so goddamn fuckin’ horny. Got it?” Although she said, “her,” she portrayed how she’d be the one squirming…

Word Count: 5,511

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